Go Your Own Way

How much of what we do is truly “genuine” rather than simple emulation or opposition? In the beginning, everything we do is emulation. Our control of our bodies’ movement is based in our re-creation of what we have seen and been encouraged to do. Babies ignored do not learn how to move independently, instead they remain fairly motionless, although they may see movement happening around them in order to meet their minimum survival needs.

So everything we do is built on a foundation of learning by doing, but doing alone is insufficient, we need reinforcement to know if we accomplished our goal, and the goal itself can be complicated too. Once we master, or at least become proficient with our bodies, we move on to more complex “doing”. Decisions concerning what we say and participate in become extensions of what we do with our bodies.

Well past infancy we still learn by emulation to gain life skills that we desire to use. Decision making skills develop as we use our life skills to accomplish goals. Decision making is also learned through emulation, initially. As such, many of us get to an emotional place where every decision we make is solely in emulation of or opposition to outside forces; rather than being generated from our own goals.

This focus on external stimuli generally stems from expectations that we have regarding our relationships with others. Feeling resentful of or obligated to others is often wrapped up in feeling not-in-control and wanting to either please or retaliate against forces we feel we can’t subdue. Emulating or opposing can also be a sign of low self confidence, which tends to lie near lack of control issues as well. Sometimes it’s lack of motivation or lack of education that prevent wise decision making too, but it’s not entirely those folks’ fault when they’re unable or unwilling to make healthy choices.

Independent decision making based on critical thinking in consideration of our limitations and long term goals should be the process we all use to determine our actions. We should be deciding what we do based on criteria that we have determined through analysis of their relevance and benefit to our wellbeing and aspirations. Those criteria should hold some similarities between folks, like basic self care, etc. But many criteria will be suited to the individual, depending on their developmental needs and their plans for the future, as well as their desires.

It can be difficult to separate our own issues and aspirations from those who have had the most influence in our lives, as deference to their preferences shows them our commitment to relations with them. But anyone who is confident enough in their own abilities and life goals would not need others to follow them blindly or copy them at every turn. Surely imitation is the highest form of flattery, but it is not the highest form of self actualization, nor accomplishment.

As for opposition, from the Queen of Contrary let me say, it doesn’t hurt them, and it just keeps you from living your best life. Plus, they don’t need all that effort and attention – pay that to yourself and you’ll be doubly rewarded.

 

Survivor’s Guilt

The guilt weighs heavier than the rest of my baggage. I don’t know how I feel justified in guilt, except that I’m a survivor. I survived and the guilt of that weighs me down every step, every day.

I have never been in a 3rd world country, and I have never borne the brunt of the worst of society or biology. Somehow I feel guilty that its them and not me, I feel guilty for not being able to save them, let alone me. I have survived where others have failed, taking their own lives or giving up inside, compromising their integrity or self respect in emotional suicide.

It’s not fair for me to get a single thing they don’t have, it’s not right for me take things that they’ve never been offered. It’s not mine and none of it is, I owe it all to my dead ancestors. Everything I touch is borrowed, the time I have is close to expiring. It’s not me. It’s not mine. This world gives me things I don’t want to be grateful of.

I wish I could give it back to everyone who needs it. I wish I could give it all back for one more day with my uncles. I don’t care about getting anything for myself. I wish more than anything I could give my daughter enough. I don’t deserve special treatment or anything good at all, not because I’m bad but because I’m no more deserving than anyone else. I’m not any cooler or better than the rest. They are so tired and hurt I wish I could take the world to my breast. Hold them close and let them know, deep down in their bones, that they deserve it all for what they’ve been through.

I know it’s not my fault because I didn’t do anything to them, but by everything holy I wish I could make up for it anyway.

Seas of Suffering

As much as I may have been quick to defend, my instincts will always be to protect. There is a lot to be said for the perspective it takes to keep a tight rein on reactionary behavior. But aside from all that, despite all that I’ve done, I’ve still been the recipient of more trust than I personally care to have bestowed. It’s an odd feeling truly, to be trusted so thoroughly that one becomes a sort of outsider that is let further inside than even those closest as kin seem to be allowed.

Whatever it is that they see in my eyes, sometimes I wish I could hide. Because my eyes are not begging to be brought into confidence, they end up that way because they can’t hide their stalwart competence. I get it, it’s some sort cosmic “gift”. Let’s call it that although I have other names for it.

My closest family, my dearest friends, assortments of acquaintances over the years, distantly friends of friends and more, strangers virtual and real are not alone. They all have come to me at one time or another, with every last trauma, fear, and worry they’ve suffered. They lay it all down at my feet to bear, like I somehow need offerings of suffering and despair. As if there was much I could for anyone after a lifetime of cruelty or neglect has undone them.

What do they want from me? Do they ever get it? Have I done any good or just fomented regrets?

But aside from my impact on lives already pockmarked and ravaged, what does it mean for me now, in my own head?

So much pain and suffering has been heaped upon me that I don’t know what’s mine and what’s not, it all haunts me. It’s slowly seeped into my bones til it reached my marrow. I have carried these bags all this way in my life. They have weighed me down and embittered my life, as I struggle with my own sins and scars from battle. But none of those people plied me for answers about my struggles, challenges or heartaches. They didn’t ask what I’ve been through as they told me theirs, as they slathered all over me their individual nightmares. I’ve been slipping and sliding as they keep pouring it all down me and with levels rising, I learned how to swim in it to keep from drowning.

I don’t know what to do when they keep showing up, acting normal til they suddenly dump their big bucket of wet worries and fears over me again. I can’t figure out how to stem the flow that keeps rushing on down upon my soul.

I don’t want to ask the abused to suffer in silence, I don’t want them to feel they have to bottle it inside them. But there must be a way to convince these poor strays that they aren’t just telling me, they’re hurting me in a very real way every time they elaborate on the abuses they’ve received. Especially without warning, and no clear request having been made. What should I do with this information they’ve just poured out all over me? They’re obviously seeking healing, redemption, though I’m far from godly myself, let’s be honest.

I’m not the keeper of making things all better, I’m just one human talking with another. And I don’t have the emotional resources necessary to help so many others when I can’t seem to patch the holes in my own dinghy.

If it were that easy we’d already be better, that’s another thing that always gets me. I just can’t figure out how to dig my way out of a wet sticky mess of pain and sorrow that’s hardly mine to begin with, anyhow. If I knew don’t you think I’d have let out the secret? If for no other reason than to relieve my own issues?

There is no secret answer to solve this problem, though. We’re hurt by the world and in turn, each other. I’d love to have answers to pull out of my hat, but most of my answers are common sense at best.

Every religion, philosophy and psychological doctrine has in some way been put in place to help people acknowledge that acceptance is the only way to deal with the fact that suffering is inevitable. The sooner we realize it, the more we can gain from sorrow.

Once folks get ok with it, I think, the sooner they can get all that they’ve been wanting out of me.

Comeback

I had to take a break from this exercise in self exploration, to regain perspective and deal with worldly issues abundant.

I thought i had worked through most of what i needed to, but as is the case with all profound development, i have been brought back to self reflection in this part of the cycles that drive health and healing, growth and change, suffering and acceptance, death and destruction.

All things have their place in time and space, and i mine as you yours – i’m happy to proclaim. Here’s hoping to connect again as our cycles align temporarily in the vastness of existence. May we enjoy our shared experiences and keep their memories in good spirits as we move ever forward in cycles that never ceasefire.

Insecurity Blanket

How many encouraging words or inspirational messages, how many compliments, invitations, or reassurances should be necessary to combat insecurity? how many times must one hear stories or live their own version without ever stepping outside of the same trite reactions? how many self-help books, advice columns or expensive lectures can help when what they all keep telling us is the same thing – that what we’re looking for lies only within ourselves? how many religious figures or scientific experts need to show us that it all boils down to being our best selves and taking it easy?

How many times must we fall down, crawl around, and beg for the teat? Like anyone would actually go back to the days when we couldn’t think for ourselves or make any decisions? It seems great in theory til we come back to reality and see that we’re the ones that threw off the shackles of being cared for so thoroughly that we couldn’t make any progress, just sat around taking orders til we realized it had robbed us of the freedom we so richly desired.

So we choose, once again, a little bit of suffering, as long as it means we could forge our own pathways, and surely it’s tiring on this rocky road of life, but we’re remiss if we think we can’t stop now and again for some respite. It’s important we take breaks to enjoy the scenery, take a few breaths sometimes, or recover from injury. We need to regroup and organize sometimes. There’s no need to sprint at the outset of a marathon. We should be ready for the worst but still benefit from it all, because next time we’ll be that much more on the ball. No team drains their best player all game long, so we shouldn’t keep ourselves eternally in play if we’re in it for the long haul.

So if you’ve pushed yourself too hard, asked too much of yourself, or you’ve been stuck laying around sucking the teat dry as a bone, recognize it’s alright to back up from things a hair, it’s good to readjust to avoid despair. We all get to feeling insecure sometimes, but when we wallow in it we’ve taken it too far. Whether the standards are too high or too low, we can’t keep asking the outside to fix our problems within, we need to ask ourselves to focus and begin to take what we’ve already heard and read, and put it into action.

We’ve been given every tool, resource and support to get where we need if we really want, and excuses mean nothing because when someone wants something, there’s no stopping that train from coming into the station. So I don’t believe insecurity at face value, because it’s all about getting what we want, even emotional reinforcement, and if whining produces it, why should anyone work harder? It’s easy to complain, it’s much harder to earn what we need – and emotional security, the confidence bug – you don’t catch those from anything but internal work and acceptance.

Manipulation Nation

Pulling on heartstrings is nothing more than a nice way of saying manipulation. Emotional appeal is a logical fallacy, but worse it’s a betrayal of basic interpersonal trust. To use our feelings of compassion and concern against us is to use and mistreat us as human beings. If the statement or action was valid in the first place, then it wouldn’t need anyone’s feelings to be triggered to gain sympathy.

When we fall prey to manipulation we betray ourselves as we’ve been betrayed by the perpetrator. But worst of all even when we know that, the feelings that have been brought up still continue to cloud our judgment afterwards. Anyone who wants a desired outcome is more than capable of working toward it without resorting to guilt trips or similar tactics. If they wanted it so bad they’d find solutions and use those, not their “friends”.

And that’s a big part of manipulation – using the other person’s closeness as a tool against them. It’s bad enough to exert control in this way at all, rather than work with the other person honestly. But it’s worse that this behavior breeds the exact opposite tendencies as intended; emotional distance, distrust and resentment. Because that’s what all happens when one circles back to realizing they’ve been “had” by an emotional pirate out for some treasure that they pillage from those who have rightfully earned it.

Pirates are romanticized, as are emotional manipulators. Machiavelli wasn’t the only one to write it down, let alone shed any light on the monstrous practice; it’s been immortalized and set in stone long before all of us. Since people had feelings others have capitalized on that, manufacturing ways to use it for the user’s benefit.

Like drug pushers and pimps, corrupt politicians or more, we can’t keep shaking our fingers at people who know better. It’s up to us not to be fooled instead of crying in our beer any longer.

We don’t have to harden ourselves to the world though, and we can retain our emotional pliability as we move forward. We can reject controlling tactics without losing hope or our spirits. It takes compartmentalization and rationalization etc., but of course all that’s easier said than done. We need to maintain our internal tools and use them to make sure we evaluate our experiences with critical thinking. It’s alright for us to refrain from judgment long enough to take the temperature of a given situation.

We do have the time to decide what we do, and we do have the freedom to follow through.

 

Are you keeping it?

A pregnancy has been announced! Congratulations are in order!

Or are they?

We all have an unspoken, unwritten, unheard of, yet practically concrete cultural assumption of the following : if the pregnancy is public, she’s “keeping” the baby – meaning she’s not planning to abort it. It seems a safe assumption for all – why would she announce it if that weren’t the case?

I have discussed culture and assumptions in plenty of posts, but this one assumption seems pretty universal across cultures. There are still some overarching similarities and middle grounds between us all, as we are all still human.

But if there’s anything on a broadly human cultural level that I wish I could change it’s this assumption about pregnancy announcements. Whether or not it’s comfortable, I wish we could all get to a place of hearing about a pregnancy and casually asking “are you going to keep it?”

Of course, no one wants to kill people, or be seen as a killer. But we all know that abortion happens for important reasons, and the option doesn’t ever go away – legal approval or not. Also, we should all more carefully consider the consequences of bringing a new child into the world as opposed to adopting, or choosing to better the lives of children from a role outside of direct parenthood.

When we get to a place of being able to see abortion as a real option, we can lower medical complications from improperly performed procedures and more adequately provide appropriate medical consideration to someone truly who needs it. We will also reduce public misunderstanding and fear, leading to increased support in building healthy communities that thrive because they aren’t shameful of ostracizing members of their own community who are only trying to prevent a child from living in unsuitable conditions, or perishing in them.

Everyone will feel better, if only we can come to a place of understanding and acknowledging that the decision not to give birth is just as viable an option, if not more, as bringing a child into an unstable situation. And that’s the real reason women have abortions – because they are choosing not to bring a child into conditions that are not appropriate for children. Whether there is not enough physical or mental support, or anyone involved is unprepared or unwilling, or if any number of other factors apply, ending a pregnancy is a human right. Regardless of the reason for ending a pregnancy, we as a society do not have the right to force a person to carry a child and give birth.

Choosing not to give birth should be seen as a healthy decision that helps maintain a strong existing society. Children are great, but not only are there more than enough people to propagate the species going forward, but there are too many to comfortably support as it is. George Carlin was in good company when he said that often, those who oppose abortion also oppose education, physical and emotional support, and much needed services for the children they claim to want to protect.

Until we have a viable system to support the entire human population on earth without suffering, we need to encourage all methods of easing the suffering of those here now, and the suffering of those who would be brought into existence going forward.

That means using birth control and abortion openly, honestly, and with the support of our peers. If people feel like they can reach out and touch a woman’s body without asking, yet feel like they can ask whether she will bare her breasts to feed in public, if she will have a vaginal birth, or “where the father is” – let alone asking after how she personally feels – then it’s certainly not too invasive to ask if she’s keeping it to begin with.

It’s already an option weighing on her mind. Let her know you’ll support whatever she decides. Then do it, which means 7 years down the road, you support her child or you support her travels down a hard road.

So ask her now, while she’s at the crossroads – are you going to keep it? I got you either side you go.

The resentment encampment

I pitched a tent and settled in. I licked my wounds and I lived there so long my flag’s but tattered rags.

I wanted someone to come find me in there. I didn’t need you to save me, but I wanted an invitation elsewhere. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere else though, so I sat in my tent feeling sorry for myself more.

Every time I tried to imagine a place I’d have the right to be, all I could think of is the populace there had already rejected me.

I don’t have enough anything to claim as my own, not even ignorance which could be a nice excuse if only it was mine.

But I don’t get to hide anywhere in this wasteland without borders, because I still don’t belong anywhere except with the hoarders.

So we sit in our corners respecting each other’s spaces while inside and out we still seethe with rage. And since there’s nowhere to put it but on others our brothers, it drips out of us, resentment thick as molasses… it’s been concentrated down to a reduction so dense it’s become a solid, but at least it’s less of a mess now.

Carrying our densely packed resentment packages is tiring at best. I wish I could set more of it down next to me and take some time to figure out where I’m headed. I used to know, and my resentment I’d stow for a rainy day when I had nothing better to do. I’d pack it around waiting for just the right moment to pull it out in a sullen display of grim satisfaction.

Like a cigarette after dinner we can call it satisfaction, but that’s flawed logic at best and I know that.

I’m aware that my resentment is full of radiation, harming me and everything around it. But it’s so hard to let go of the warm cuddly glow and the road well traveled; the devil I know.

It’s too much now to bear yet I can’t seem to tear my eyes from this train wreck of emotional despair. Resentment’s been friends when no one else came around, but I know now its companionship is quite hollow. I wish there was something better to fill up and distract me, but I guess I’ll have to settle for relief from its talons.

I can’t lean on resentment like I once did so often, but maybe that’s alright after all… maybe resentment is getting tired too. It can lay down and rest now. I’m flying on from its cocoon that incubated my younger self when I needed it to help me be strong enough to suffer, before I realized I always was and that I don’t need to add to suffering unless we take it in that older context of meaning my going through something and allowing its existence without resistance.

I am a suffragette now.

 

Censorship

I recently read an article about how certain websites create and disseminate a large body of inflammatory work – specifically racist and other hatred-based themes. They discussed the nature of growth of this type of material when people are exposed to and share these memes, and likened it to biological growth, which is why the term “viral” is pretty apt in describing how this information is distributed.

For a moment, just a moment, a thought actually surfaced that I wanted to find a way to remove these offensive messages that I do not agree with – because I have decided they are amoral and destructive, not to mention distasteful and clearly not evidence based. For a split second I was willing to censor information to protect people I had deemed in need of my protection from those messages.

I couldn’t believe it, and I immediately stopped myself to re-examine my own thought process. No, I don’t actually want to censor anyone, or keep anyone else from information based on my own judgment of its content. I had a moment, but then remembered that all I want to do is ensure that people have complete, unfettered access to the skill of critical thinking and the freedom to use it, as well as the ability to truly make their own decisions. I need to be satisfied with that, and let people make their life choices because I can’t do it for them, like it or not.

Sure I wish everyone behaved in a compassionate manner and offered each other respect, but I can’t control them all.

But beyond that, I can’t rob others of their experience in coming to understandings that certainly were hard won in my case. Whether they are the creator or the recipient of hateful messages, it’s up to each of them to examine what they’re doing and why. It’s up to each of them to determine what they believe is real, and decide what they want to participate in, promote, or reject.

If they don’t look at this same information and come to the conclusion that hatred is more self destructive than outwardly destructive and ultimately not worth the effort, then nothing I do to keep them from this information will matter anyway.

a lil existential poe-rose

before consciousness, self awareness, and abstract thought

there was no freedom because there was nothing to be free from-
but only in the sense that everything was already free

frighteningly, uncontrollably, inexorably, free

caring about dying is animal still
and building mechanisms to prevent it is instinctual too

freedom from inanimate objects is pointless,
just as much as needing it from the animals around us…

the only thing we need to be free from is control

that, and the things no one can control