You’ve never seen me in my element because my element is not in your sphere. The funny thing is that my sweet spot doesn’t line up with anyone else’s so they don’t know it’s there. There probably isn’t a thing, or at least not many, that you and I could do that is easily shared.
Almost all the time I’m with you, I’m actually doing what you want at that time. Talking on your topic, and letting you define the parameters. Over the years it’s been made clear that I’m the outlier in most situations. And I’m quite good with that, I never intended to be middle of the road, that’s just not my gig. But I guess people didn’t know that when I meet them where they are, as much as I’m trying to relate with them it’s really far from where I started.
I would love to have an opportunity to really shine in my circle, my wheelhouse, my domain. It’s just that it turns out that’s not as feasible in a big open public setting. Not that I’m inappropriate for mixed groups or anything, I just mean it’s not conducive to doing my best work. I do well when it’s one-on-one or in a place where everybody’s got time to hang out for a while. I’m a great hostess, I make sure everyone gets everything they need. I can coordinate group efforts when it’s time to get down to business, but then there’s no monkeying around.
It’s just hard to manage the social dynamic everyone seems to be looking for. It’s hard for me to start and stop and pick up where I left off. It requires effort and focus to keep myself on track. I need to know what the topic is and what we’re aiming for in the conversation. I would like to know the other person and get an idea of where they’re coming from. If they don’t want to talk about a topic or idea, I really need to know that too. Basically if I don’t know what I’m working with, I can’t exactly work around issues. That stuff all takes time and effort on my part, it’s being considerate of how others operate. But I’m not that way and I’ve love to see the day where we didn’t have to spend so much time catering to tiny social rules and regulations.
My element is a place of brave living that doesn’t shrink from disagreement or scrutiny. I don’t mind going back and forth, arguing the finer points or even deciding that we’ll never agree. That stuff doesn’t bother me like it does other people, although they think it does when I begin to look heated. The funniest part is that’s when I’m just getting started, cuz you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! I love excitement and enthusiasm when I’m in it with other people. I want to get up and boogie, and bring the party along with me. So it’s not that I’m not good in a crowd full of people, it’s more if they’re boring I can’t change me – I’m still loud and boisterous, looking for company on my journey.
I want to include people in the good, bad and ugly. I want them to be able to know that in truth I think almost everything about them is wrong, but that’s ok, I don’t hold it against them. But they take that sentiment to think I’m better than them, when it has nothing to do with that at all. I am perfectly content with the understanding that my values and priorities don’t match up with other people’s. It’s them that get uncomfortable when they assume a difference of opinion means that I look down on them or that we can’t be friends over it. I actually have no interest in occupying any social high ground in relation to others. I don’t care that I think the direction they take their life and opinions is completely wrong. I’m not trying to punish them or hurt them by believing something different than they do.
I like differences and changes, new things and the outrageous. I don’t want to constantly shrink from differences of opinion. I like hashing things out and getting down to the nitty gritty. I like putting a fine point on things. It’s not that I have to relentlessly go, I take my downtime like everyone else. But I’m talking about shining in an ideal setting, yet I find some scenarios untenable. It’s fine for me if everyone is good with some uncertainty, but I find social tendencies lean toward totalitarian agreement. People worry a lot about not feeling the same way as each other, which is funny considering how strong they feel about some things.
So they all stand around making extra sure not to rock the boat or ruffle any feathers when they’re together. But I can’t stand that shit, it has no place in my heart. I get it, we all like each other so much that we don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings. How’s about let’s all recognize that, ease up on our worries, and let everyone speak more freely? I don’t want to constantly censor myself, and everything that might be offensive, and I don’t need you to do that for me, I’m a big girl and I can handle being offended. I know for myself that the things that offend me may not have any meaning to anyone else anyway. How about we see it as a two way street instead of an onramp to a mob mentality?
It’s ridiculous for each of us to try to walk this earth with the presumption that we should all be, basically, the same person. We will inevitably have differences, and that’s what makes the world go ’round in the first place. There’s enough mild mannered-indecisive-simpering-people pleasers out there, let me take my place in the gradient with the understanding that everyone’s got their strengths. Mine is being big, bold, bright and beautiful… it’s cutting loose when we’re having a good time. I like warming up the people around me and getting excited. I’m good with the myriad differences among us, I don’t need to be wrapped up in same-ness. I like branching out and trying new things, discovering and sharing the strangeness.